Sunday 6 October 2013

The sad and ugly truth – Not so #SilentSunday

A wonderful lady posted this picture of me on Facebook this week
with the caption 'Beautiful face and soul'. Thank you Jeannine xx

I’ve known for a long time, in fact I wrote a post quite sometime back that resonated with a whole load of people. I’ve always been quite open about my problem but I do feel it has been pushed under the carpet for well over a year now. Just look through my blog, when was the last diet or weight related post that I published?

I have all sorts of issues with food, I eat when any kind of emotion is off kilter, so that is happy, sad, anxious and glad (oh and anything in between those too). I eat because I love to eat, I eat because I enjoy food, I eat when I want to celebrate, I eat because I’m bored, I eat out of habit, I eat because I’m scared not too. That last one is totally strange, isn’t it? But I really do have this fear of hunger, it is irrational and I’m not at all sure what I think might happen if I allow myself to get hungry but I get anxious and I don’t like the feeling at all.

For the last year I have been enjoying ignoring my problem, thankfully my weight has only moved by about half a stone in that whole year. It could be far worse but last night was a bit of a wakeup call. I caught sight of myself in the mirror in the girl’s room and I had to look twice, I did not recognise me. What I saw in the mirror was a proper fat person, not just someone over weight but a woman who had really let herself go. I am now at least 7 stone overweight and that is not based on becoming a size 10. That 7 stone, if I lost it would probably take me down to about a size 14. What a world of difference that would be.

So why am I still this size if I am unhappy with the way I look, the example I’m setting to my children and the risks I’m putting my health at? I’m not really sure, it is a question I ponder a lot. I have started and stopped so many diets in my life, I attended Overeaters Anonymous for over a year and I have been great with exercise since we moved to East Sussex but I just don’t seem to have found the right route for me. I do not want to consider surgery, I know it works for some but it feels like a cop out to me. The perfect answer is to eat less and move more, yes I realise it is simple. Simple but not easy for a compulsive overeater.

But with God’s help it can be done, I know this as I have seen it happen and the Bible tells me that He will not forsake me. It will seem weird to many when I say that I think my problem is that I do not believe that God will help me solve this problem. I know that I am supposed to hand over control for my issues to God and He will look after me.  That isn’t a get out clause though, I still have to do the footwork but fundamentally He is in control and I need to give it up to Him, but (and it is a big but) It only works if I believe, yes truly and utterly without any kind of doubt believe that God is there and that He cares enough to help with what on the face of it is a silly problem.  Most definitely a first world problem, one I feel I should be able to get a grip of and sort out.

Today I woke with such good intentions, after seeing myself for what I really look like I ate well all morning and then I went out for tea and cake, which in itself was not such an issue as I had only had 2 ryvita with ham for lunch but then dinner for JJ’s birthday came with a dessert in the price and I was weak and said I’d have it, which of course then lead to my defences being low and the popcorn made an appearance whilst we watched his birthday movie. I hardly even make a conscious decision when I eat these things and that is what needs to change, I must be more mindful when I eat rather than just on auto-pilot.

I feel stupid, I feel ashamed of myself and I feel like I want to hide this post but I must not, when I shove this all down and hide it then the problem is still festering. When I come out and say yes, I have serious issues with food and my consumption of it then I am facing up to the problem and tomorrow I will try harder and I’ll pray and I really want to believe that this is serious enough for God to help me with it. It feels so disrespectful when I doubt Him that I must pray and believe more.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
If you like what you have read and want to stay up-to-date then subscribe by email for free and receive blog posts directly to your in-box - just click the link Subscribe to Mummy From The Heart... by Email or perhaps you like to keep all your blog reading in one place, if that is the case you can follow me on BlogLovin too!Follow on Bloglovin
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...