Sunday, 6 October 2013

The sad and ugly truth – Not so #SilentSunday

A wonderful lady posted this picture of me on Facebook this week
with the caption 'Beautiful face and soul'. Thank you Jeannine xx

I’ve known for a long time, in fact I wrote a post quite sometime back that resonated with a whole load of people. I’ve always been quite open about my problem but I do feel it has been pushed under the carpet for well over a year now. Just look through my blog, when was the last diet or weight related post that I published?

I have all sorts of issues with food, I eat when any kind of emotion is off kilter, so that is happy, sad, anxious and glad (oh and anything in between those too). I eat because I love to eat, I eat because I enjoy food, I eat when I want to celebrate, I eat because I’m bored, I eat out of habit, I eat because I’m scared not too. That last one is totally strange, isn’t it? But I really do have this fear of hunger, it is irrational and I’m not at all sure what I think might happen if I allow myself to get hungry but I get anxious and I don’t like the feeling at all.

For the last year I have been enjoying ignoring my problem, thankfully my weight has only moved by about half a stone in that whole year. It could be far worse but last night was a bit of a wakeup call. I caught sight of myself in the mirror in the girl’s room and I had to look twice, I did not recognise me. What I saw in the mirror was a proper fat person, not just someone over weight but a woman who had really let herself go. I am now at least 7 stone overweight and that is not based on becoming a size 10. That 7 stone, if I lost it would probably take me down to about a size 14. What a world of difference that would be.

So why am I still this size if I am unhappy with the way I look, the example I’m setting to my children and the risks I’m putting my health at? I’m not really sure, it is a question I ponder a lot. I have started and stopped so many diets in my life, I attended Overeaters Anonymous for over a year and I have been great with exercise since we moved to East Sussex but I just don’t seem to have found the right route for me. I do not want to consider surgery, I know it works for some but it feels like a cop out to me. The perfect answer is to eat less and move more, yes I realise it is simple. Simple but not easy for a compulsive overeater.

But with God’s help it can be done, I know this as I have seen it happen and the Bible tells me that He will not forsake me. It will seem weird to many when I say that I think my problem is that I do not believe that God will help me solve this problem. I know that I am supposed to hand over control for my issues to God and He will look after me.  That isn’t a get out clause though, I still have to do the footwork but fundamentally He is in control and I need to give it up to Him, but (and it is a big but) It only works if I believe, yes truly and utterly without any kind of doubt believe that God is there and that He cares enough to help with what on the face of it is a silly problem.  Most definitely a first world problem, one I feel I should be able to get a grip of and sort out.

Today I woke with such good intentions, after seeing myself for what I really look like I ate well all morning and then I went out for tea and cake, which in itself was not such an issue as I had only had 2 ryvita with ham for lunch but then dinner for JJ’s birthday came with a dessert in the price and I was weak and said I’d have it, which of course then lead to my defences being low and the popcorn made an appearance whilst we watched his birthday movie. I hardly even make a conscious decision when I eat these things and that is what needs to change, I must be more mindful when I eat rather than just on auto-pilot.

I feel stupid, I feel ashamed of myself and I feel like I want to hide this post but I must not, when I shove this all down and hide it then the problem is still festering. When I come out and say yes, I have serious issues with food and my consumption of it then I am facing up to the problem and tomorrow I will try harder and I’ll pray and I really want to believe that this is serious enough for God to help me with it. It feels so disrespectful when I doubt Him that I must pray and believe more.
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