|Our local beach|
My head is thumping and I just keep pushing all the thoughts and emotions back down and trying not to become overwhelmed. Logic tells me all will be fine, I'm really organised and I plan well for things like this but at the moment I'm wishing the days away on one hand (I so need to be finished work), then on the other I don't want to leave here and I'm starting to feel really sad that we are moving.
I know this move is a good thing, I know it is a God thing too. I also know that often 'God things' are scary and make us feel like we are out of our depth, but that's the really special part - when God steps in and takes over, as you know you could not have possibly done all that yourself.
I was cleaning my house the other day and walking from room to room feeling really emotional I'm leaving my beautiful house I kept thinking. Dh and I had our kids here, they have never lived anywhere else. I keep trying to ignore these feelings and when the tears pique, I push them back but I wonder if I need to let them flow and be over with it. It is a little sad to move on but it is a lot wonderful. I'm very aware that I need to grow up as far as my emotions are concerned, I don't seem to be able to express them or deal with them very well. Maybe a good old cry is the way to go?
In the years we have been together Dh and I have owned three houses and lived in numerous other houses too, so this should not be such a big deal for us...... but it is. This is our home and realising that I felt a little better, I love this house because it is where we are all together and we feel safe - it is Home. The new house will be a home too and we will all love and live there together and yes it will take a while to get it really comfy but that is half the fun, building it all again and making it just as we want it. Home is where the heart is they say and all of us are going there so it automatically transfers over.
Go back a month and I was so excited about this move, I literally wanted to flip a switch and the time to be here and now the time is creeping forward and I feel drained and emotional. Have I been building a fantasy about what our new life will be like - staying home, time to develop a business for me, more family time, new house, countryside location etc etc?
But no I think I am keeping reality firmly in view, recently I have been questioning if I have been wearing rose tinted glasses in regard to our move. Will being a stay at home mum be all is is cracked up to be? Will I miss being away from all the people I know so well? Will the children settle OK? Will we like living in a house that we do not own? Will we be able to change our lifestyle to adapt to a lot less disposable income? Will dh enjoy his new job? and on and on..... all these questions buzzing in my head and making it ache.
Who knows what the future holds? Only God and I trust in Him, so really all I need to do is keep my eyes raised and firmly on the Lord rather than in the mundaneness of every day life and the operational challenges of moving a family of five.
Anyway enough introspection, I need to head off and take some practical measures - pack a few boxes or send out some change of address - you know the type of thing!
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