What an amazing revelation I have had the last week or so! You may have known this for some time, but I am sorry I just had not seen it at all.
It was a real lightbulb moment! There I was at an ED (Eating Disorder) meeting last Saturday and someone was sharing their recovery journey with us and I heard them share about how something had gone wrong and automatically they assumed it was their fault, that they had created this problem. Time stopped, things went very quiet and very slowly and then I thought 'yes I do that!'.
Dh is quiet = I have pissed him off.
Kids are too manic = oh dear that is my crap parenting influence.
Bloggers commenting on anything in a less than positive light = oh that is me they are taking a pop at!
Friends go out without me = they didn't want me...
Oh woe is me, who would have known that the world revolved around Michelle? When did I get raised on a pedestal and become the most important person on earth?
So here is what I have realised, I have become too serious, life is being taken too seriously. I have stopped laughing at myself. Fun needs to be had. I have to stop staying up too late and losing my perspective on things as I am over tired.
What can I do about this? I am not exactly sure. It would be very easy for me to make a big list here of all the changes I will make but chances are that I would then just give up on the list and end up feeling a failure. That's not particularly useful is it? So I won't do that, all I will do is resolve....
...resolve to change (one small step at a time)
...resolve to learn to love myself
...resolve to laugh
Sunday I made good progress. At Church I was brave and went to the front when the Pastor asked if anyone felt broken and in need of offering their problems to God. So I went and laid myself out on the floor before the 200 strong congregation and just thought of God and how much I wish to give my food issues to Him. For today, I gave my will over to God and I wish for him to make me whole and teach me how to love myself and not assume that I am at the heart of every problem.
The bulk of this post was written over a week ago and I realised last night that I really have made progress on this. I read a post at Typecast yesterday and felt really cross at the opinion expressed. If I had been in 'Woe is me' mode I would have thought that @Nickie72 aimed this directly at me. Pretty self-centered huh? Nickie and I both commented and basically the outcome was that we agree to disagree and that is perfect, that's life. We are all different, we do not have to agree on everything we just have to respect each other and I do respect Nickie, she is a very helpful blogger who openly expresses herself.
To be honest I was reading this post far too late and started to question myself if I was naive or too trusting? Did I lack a backbone and was a bit of a pushover? I went to bed pondering this and also thought about it today and I came to the conclusion that I like my bright outlook on life. I like to think the best of people and only if they prove me wrong do I need to feel anything other. I may be nicely naive but I most certainly have a backbone, I stand up for what I feel strongly about and at work I am definitely the people's advocate.
So, since realising that I can be self-centered and that I want to release myself from that and also that I am a nice person (I don't care if that sounds wishy washy to you, it is best word to describe what I mean) I vow to give myself a break and to be positive about my attributes. Mich has full permission to like herself!
What about you? Do you need to give yourself a break?