For days now I have not felt as if I could blog. On the one hand I really want to blog and have so many things I want to say, I keep noting topics and post titles on a pad by the side of my bed, but on the other hand I have been in work extra days this week and been really busy. I have got loads done around the house and am therefore knackered. More than that though I just have this awful feeling in the pit my stomach, you know that horrible butterfly/ sinking feeling you get when something is troubling you.
I think my 'something' is to do with my eating issues, weight and general health.
A couple of weeks ago I woke up and thought 'Who am I?' and my first reaction (which they often say is the most honest one) was that I am a fat pig. Isn't that sad that I am allowing my body to define me? I feel as if I have gone off the rails at the moment. I am not interested in going to my eating disorder group, I do not want to talk to any of my friends in recovery, I do not care what food I am putting in my body, I have put on weight and I feel that I look yuck but I am not in the right place to do anything about it at the moment. I do not feel ready. I feel scared to expose myself and to let myself lose the weight and perhaps this will mean that I will lose my hiding place. Boy am I being honest with myself in this post.
I know it sounds crazy, but aren't many things. I think some of this comes down to the miscarriage I had earlier this year. The other night (you know the night I hardly slept before my paddy at work) I was chatting with dh in bed and got all upset and could not stop myself crying. I said to him I feel as if I am hiding in my fat. Just not ready to emerge yet and to deal with the scary big world. By having my extra weight I have a big tummy and this tummy could easily look pregnant to the untrained eye and I think secretly I like this. I think a woman's pregnant body is very beautiful, whereas I think fat is very, very ugly. I do fairly often think to myself what stage of pregnancy I would of been at now if I had not lost my babe. I would of been a good 7 months pregnant now and whilst I truly think it is for the best that we will not have any more kids I think this could be the grief catching up with me a few months later. Everyone did say how well I coped at the time. I am hoping by putting all this down in writing it will help me move forward and be ready to sort myself out. It is no good ignoring issues and hoping they go away, because they do not.
I wonder if people will read this post and think I am ga ga (and not as in Lady - just plain nuts) or if some will understand that many emotions, thoughts and feelings are not sane and do not have good reason behind them. Trying to be real and honest with yourself is a really scary thing I am discovering......but is so essential if I am ever to be fully well.
Perhaps this is me on my recovery journey, taking another step towards really being able to say yes I have completed Step 1 - that I am powerless over food, that my life has become unmanageable!
I feel better just having written this post, that horrible feeling is not there right now and at this precise moment I believe all will be well with God's help. I just need to remember to give up my will and allow God to work in my life instead of my trying to control everything.
A big thank you to all those who support me both in real life and my virtual friends.
This week Josie pressed us all to write about 'Change' as part of her writing workshop. She left the prompt open and as such my offering is a self-indulgent one. If you want to read some other entries from people who are trying to press for change in the third world then visit Josie's blog and have a read.